Laments About My Adventures

T is for Torture and Treadmill

Step Lively or Die

T is for torture and treadmill

I stepped out of the bathroom, all shiny and clean, a hint of make-up, my hair perfectly coiffed. I was all set for my big appointment of the day.

“You showered? You washed your hair?” commented my husband with a quizzical look. “Odd.”

“Well, it’s the first time,” I explained, somewhat annoyed I felt the need to explain, “I want to make a good impression.”

“Odd,” he repeated. “I never shower first.” Read more

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Summertime and the Living is Exhausting

I'm Binged Out.

Summertime and the living is exhausting

It’s summertime, and I’m exhausted. I cannot keep up the pace.

Summer used to be about relaxing and taking a break from usual routines.

Summer used to be about vacations and long, lazy days at the beach.

Summer used to be about suntans and sunburns. Over-chlorinated swimming pools and bring-tears-to your-eyes salty water ocean waves. About letting the mind wander and go free, watching the clouds and the waves.

The TV got a rest. There were too many reruns. Instead, there were summer book reads. Trashy novels for middle-aged moms (and dads). Required book lists for the kids.

But not this summer. Not for our family, and I bet, not for yours. Read more

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Nine Questions for Lasting Love

Tinder for Talkers

A famous psychological study developed 36 questions to fast-track intimacy and connection. Ha! That’s easy. A glass of cheap merlot and low lighting can do that for most people. But lasting love? Well, that requires a whole different set of questions.

And to help with that, from the vantage point of a middle-aged many-years married, I’ve prepared a list of nine queries young lovers should consider before saying their “I do’s.” Read more

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Caffeinated and Infatuated. The Barista of my Dreams

Hot and Steamy on Demand

Caffeinated and Infatuated

For the record: I’m no coffee connoisseur. I drink lattes because they satisfy my two chief criteria for coffee – lots of milk and lots of room for sugar. But recently, I met the barista of my dreams. Now I’m caffeinated and infatuated.

The day I met my new love, I was in that early morning pre-coffee kind of stupor. Slow moving and slow thinking, I practically bumped into this stunning, towering cool creator of caffeine and other bubbling hot delights. I was instantly overwhelmed. Read more

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Online Surfing Danger Ahead!

Beware of Bots!

Surfing Danger Ahead

There’s surfing danger ahead! Not in the water, but online. Take a quick look at an ad for an anti-aging skin cream, and that product will haunt you on the Internet until you die and decompose.

Blink your eye and consider a brief fling with glitter eyeliner, as I did earlier this summer, and you are forever branded as part of David Bowie’s glam squad!

Peruse a winter white wool turtleneck sweater in January, and come July, you’ll still get urgent notices to “Hurry, there’s only one still in stock!!”

Five years ago, amid a foot problem, I considered buying orthotic heel lifts. Thankfully, the foot problem resolved itself, but orthotic ads track me on the Worldwide Web as diligently as sharks stalk their prey. Read more

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Silver Necklace Shopping: Bring on the Bling

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme Some Credit

Silver Necklace Shopping

The other day, on a whim, I decided to buy myself a fancy silver necklace. I’ve never bought myself expensive jewelry before. When it came to the good stuff, the big bling-y, sparkling stuff, that arrived as gifts from parents, boyfriends, and for the past 32 years, Handsome Hubby.

But I was in the mood for instant gratification. I wanted the necklace right then and there. I didn’t feel like “hinting” and waiting for HH. I’m a big girl – more than a big girl, I’m middle-aged and – by God, I can buy my own bling!

So, faster than you can say “discretionary spending,” off I went on my mission to find that perfect piece of jewelry. What I got was something entirely different! Read more

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10 Things I Will Never Say

Not Today. Not Tomorrow. Not Any Day

10 Things I'll Never Say

You know the warning “Never say never?” Well, now that I’m middle-aged, I’m confident there are certain things I will NEVER say (or do).

Take a look at my list and see if there are any you’d never say either!

1. “Bartender, make that martini extra dry.” 
My mother drank gin martinis. The first time she let me have a sip, I thought I would choke to death! Even for the sake of a delish green olive, I’ll never dip into that martini toxin!

2. “Let’s go for sushi for dinner.”
Really? Raw fish? Read more

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The Prince Wore Plaid

Handsome Hubby, Not Harry

The Prince Wore Plaid

Several months back, I vowed to follow a strict diet. I wasn’t cutting carbs or calories, but celebrities. More specifically, I vowed to stop my late-night consumption of empty sugary fluff and stuff articles about celebs. Then, amid all the unrelenting and divisive bad news, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle got engaged. I broke my celebrity diet and happily devoured stories about the happy couple.

But when the non-stop deluge of coverage continued unabated, I got bored. I tried to regain literary control. Admittedly it was near impossible to do amid the 24/7 onslaught of photos, fashion tips, gossip, and wedding planning updates. Still, I tried to focus on the important news of the day. And to some degree, I was successful. I know this, because just last week, Read more

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Speaking of My “Impending” Death

I'd Rather Not, Thank You

Speaking of my impending death

Remember the old Art Linkletter bit – “Kids Say the Darndest Things?” Well, recently a young friend of mine had the darndest conversation with me about – in his estimation – my seemingly impending death!

And it all came about because of that old adage, “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.” Read more

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Emails. Evites. Emojis. Oh, My.

3 out of 4 Online Americans Emoji. Not Me

Emails. Evites. Emojis. Oh, My

Two decades ago, in a time way before emojis, my mother refused to get a CD player. After switching from 78-rpm to 33 1/3-rpm records; from cassette to 8-track tapes; from mono to stereophonic to quadrophonic sound, she was done. CDs were, in her words, “one change too much.”

I know how she feels. These days, as a middle-aged Luddite, I’m always one techno-trend behind, always late to the latest social media party.

I only signed on the Facebook last year, and now that I’m finally getting the hang of it, scandal has erupted and many of my friends are leaving it. I have a Twitter account, but I don’t give a tweet about it. Instagram’s a mystery and Pinterest just doesn’t hold my interest.

What can I say? All right, I’ll say it. I’m anti-emoji! Read more

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