Ready to Holiday Party Hearty? Hardly!

‘Tis the season to party hearty. But I must admit, now that I’m middle-aged, I not much of a party kind of gal. I’m more of a hot chocolate, asleep by 10:15 social clod.

So, what’s a sluggish middle-aged muddler supposed to do, now that the holiday party season, like a horde of ravenous locusts, has arrived? Hibernate in a cave? Take a vow of silence and retreat to a Zen-like monastery until January 2? Drag my sorry, sweat-suited derriere out the door and socialize till my cheeks ache and eyelids droop?

This year, I’m planning ahead. I’ve prepared a List of Seven Perfectly Plausible Middle-aged Excuses to Get Out of Holiday Festivities.

1. I’d like to, BUT I cannot drive at night anymore.

The end of Daylight Savings Time does me in every winter. My eyes just are not what they used to be, and unfortunately, I cannot navigate the roads after dark. I ordered a new pair of anti-glare night glasses, but then I misplaced them. So, that’s a problem too.

2. I’d like to, BUT I don’t have a thing to wear.

Well, technically that’s not accurate. I have a closet full of things to wear. Unfortunately, they are all sizes 6, 8, and 10 and I haven’t fit into them since three Democratic Administrations ago. Yes, I could go buy new clothes, but I swore on the black shroud I wear most days now, that I would not buy something new until it – and me – are a size 12.

3. I’d like to, BUT my roots are showing.

I am so sorry. Your party is the one event I really did want to attend, but I had to miss my appointment with my hairdresser yesterday to go to the chiropractor. Now I cannot get an appointment until January 5. My hair needs color so bad, I’d rather die than be seen in public until I can get it dyed again.

4. I’d like to, BUT er, um, something came up. (This excuse is handy when you’ve already accepted an invitation but want to bail at the last minute.)

So sorry we missed last night’s party. We sincerely intended to attend when we RSVP-ed, but at the last minute, something came up – literally. Umm, you see Bob misread the instructions on his new prescription for Viagra, and well, given the price of those little blue pep-me-ups, we couldn’t let the opportunity pass. Hope you all had fun. (I know we did!)

5. I’d like to, BUT … about tonight’s potluck dinner …

So sorry. Looks like we’re not going to make it over. You know those Viagra warnings about “in case of an erection lasting more than 8 hours?” Well, giggle all you want, but we can assure you, it is no laughing matter. We’re at the ER now.

Oh, I made a cheesecake for the potluck. I left it on the porch in case somebody wants to run over and get it.

6. I’d like to, BUT I (fill in the medical malady of your choosing).*

… just had hip/knee replacement surgery.
… am scheduled for cataract surgery at 5:15 tomorrow morning.
… have terrible problems with my bunions and I could not possibly squeeze my feet into any respectable shoes to be seen in public.
… just started using a walker and I’m having trouble navigating with it.
… have a migraine.

Note: These medical excuses are also useful if you’re at a party and want to beat an early exit to the door.

7. I’d like to, but I accidentally deleted that electronic invitation thingy you sent me.

I’m leaving you this phone message because my Internet is down and my son can’t (won’t) come over to fix it until tomorrow. I have no idea when or where your party is. So, I guess I just better say no. Sorry.

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Please feel free to add to this list. I know I’ve only scratched the surface of midlife maladies, laments and excuses useful in avoiding unwanted social situations. PLEASE, share your ideas with me via comments at the bottom of this post or on Facebook. The world of middle-aged muddlers will thank you!

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Meanwhile, if any of my friends happen to be reading this, please don’t feel insulted by this list. Please, please, please keep inviting me to your dinners and parties. I love invitations and, most of the year, I like the (occasional) get-together. It’s just the flood of forced holiday ho-ho-ho-ing that overwhelms me. So, please keep me on your guest list even now during the holidays. Who knows. I may magically lose 10 pounds before the end of the year and my whole outlook might change!