Butt Cheeks and Botox

No ifs, ands or butt cheeks about it. Ladies, we have a new beauty regime to get on top of. Well, technically speaking, one we’ve got to get to the bottom of. Yes, gal pals, our rear ends are the latest beauty frontier!

What’s good for the face – cleansers, toners, serums, oils, exfoliating scrubs, creams, and masks – is now being specially tailored and marketed for the derriere.

Don’t believe me? Well, no less an authority than the august New York Times has proclaimed, “Butt skincare is definitely a thing now.”

“But what kind of a “thing?” you well might ask. “And why?”

Butt Cheeks Have Their Day!

Well, from the skincare industry standpoint, which last year raked in $5.6 billion, it is easy to understand. It’s a potential new revenue source that’s as vast and wide as our spreading middle-aged posteriors – and our wallets!

As to why women are buying into this buttocks beauty baloney, I honestly cannot say nor could any of my friends with whom I discussed the matter.

The recent Times article didn’t quote any derriere product devotees, but the industry spokespersons interviewed gushed at length about women dedicating “more time, money and energy” for “inclusive wellness … this includes every aspect of yourself and every part of yourself.”

You may scoff and hoot at all this. You may say, “This is the living end.”

I Have Questions

But I admit, I am intrigued. Although I do have questions before I ante up.

1. How the heck do you reach around to apply these beautifying booty products without sacrificing your sacroiliac?
2. Who cares? Who’s going to look? Isn’t it enough to practice good hygiene? Do I need to be shined and buffed like a 1957 Chevy?

When I asked Handsome Hubby his view about butt cheek beauty products, he looked at me like I was crazy.

I considered asking him if he’d apply a beauty mask to my fanny if I bought one. I thought it might be … well, sexy or something. However, upon further reflection, the idea admitted sounded bizarre, embarrassing, and weird.

And the idea of a buttock beauty mask does raise another practical question: How long do you leave it on? I would imagine it’s chilly being bare butt-end up, waiting for the mask to dry. I already had pneumonia once this year and wound up in the hospital. Risking booty-induced pneumonia at my age seems fool-hardy at best! At my age – a-hum, at our age, one needs to minimize danger, don’t you agree?

What’s in a Name?

All that said, I do admire the names of the products companies are using to market their keister commodities.

There’s “Illuminaughty,” an “illuminating scrub that leaves an “everlasting glow” and smells like coconut and jasmine. Imagine the fun of having a body part that glows like a firefly! What a bonus, in case of a power outage! And to think – a tush that smells like coconut and jasmine! Who needs to go to the Tropics or Asia when you can buy a butt product like that instead?

And, of course, there’s a product named “Tush,” whose makers proclaim its multi-week treatment will “re-shape the contours of the buttocks area while restoring firmness, suppleness and bounce for a visually more sculpted tush.” Perfect! Bounce. Just what I need. Now, instead of going to a gym or wearing Spanx, I can just apply “Tush” and voilà, like magic, I’ve got a cute tush!

Additionally, there’s “Have You Seen My Underwear” oil, but this name troubles me. Who wants to see – or wear – underwear that’s oily? I’m confused about the underlying marketing strategy here.

What’s Next?

And if all these fanny products do find fans, will botox for butt cheeks be far behind? And then will twerkers’ compensation be next for rap stars and pole dancers? It all boggles and bewilders my middle-aged mind and sagging behind!

There’s also this: In a world of hurricanes, poverty, wildfires and countless other calamities, if you’ve got the time and money to pamper your rear end, I strongly suggest you get off it and help somebody else in real need!

That, my friends, is my bottom line about this subject!