It’s Almost THAT Time of the Month

It’s almost that time of the month. No, not THAT time of the month. That’s long past. The time of the month I’m referring to the day when big, boring household chores come due. Why on the first?

Well, now that I’m older, my memory is faulty. If I don’t calendar stuff, I might forget. Worse yet, do it twice. Yikes!

Did I flip the mattress? Who knows? Did I wash the bathroom rugs recently? Who can tell? Certainly not I, the Queen of the Wellinghoff-Galatz laundromat.

So, like it or not (and I definitely don’t), come first of the month, and just like the dreaded tasks of paying the mortgage and the electric bill, I’m scheduled to do pay up except my payment comes in the form of heavy manual household labor.

Of course, I could devise another plan. I could spread the pain out. Do one chore on a Monday. Another on a Tuesday. But that’s complicated. Who can keep track of all that information?

I could keep a list of chores with the dates when I last performed them. I did that once. But I misplaced the list. Catastrophe! So much for lists making life easier!

Uncertain what to do, I did nothing. Rugs went unwashed. Mattress went unturned. Instead, I spent all my time paralyzed in one place — trying without success — to remember where the list was.

So, about a year ago, in desperation and despair, I computerized and calendared the monthly cleaning “to do’s.”

Time of the Month PMS-US

You would think I’d find comfort in my system of organization and order, but I don’t. I suffer from PMS-US — Pre-Mess Straighten Up Stress. About four days before the first, I begin to worry about having enough cleansers on hand. I worry I might need to replace the vacuum filter — a task I find repugnant.

And I stress about my bad back. What if I throw my back out again during my self-imposed marathon Domestic Olympics of Chores? The “games” begin with the risky abovementioned bulky king-size mattress toss. Then, there’s the two-story rushed rug relay from upstairs bathrooms to downstairs washing machine-to-dryer-back to the upstairs bathrooms in time for evening showers and baths.

And there’s the indoor 20+ plant care cycle. Old MacDonald may have a farm, but little old me has got an indoor garden that needs tending. Once a month, I till and fertilize the soil, dust the leaves, cut back brown tips, and dust and mist the leaves till they shine, shine, shine.

The list goes on, but hopefully, this gives you a sense of my monthly frenzy. My family has offered to help. But martyrdom and misery prefer no helpmates.

That said, I do not suffer in silence. After all, complaining is what I do second best next to cleaning!

You may wonder why I don’t hire a maid to help with these burdensome tasks. Well, I do have a maid. She’s lovely but she’s busy doing the weekly stuff that needs doing — the dusting, the vacuuming, the floors, the “this and the that’s.” She could not possibly take on more. It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be right.

So, once a month, on the first of the month, it is that time of the month, my time of the month to kvetch and complain. Yes, it’s my time to get down and dirty and clean, clean, clean like the lunatic I am.

I’d like to tell you more about my monthly routine, but right now I’ve got to get back to my PMS-US training. First, I need to work on my dusting muscles. For that, I follow the famed Mr. Miygi “wax on, wax off” exercise from the movie The Karate Kid. Then, I pull out my Jane Fonda exercise DVDs for a good aerobic workout/conditioning session. Leg warmers not optional!

Time of the Month Low Down and Lunch

If you’d like to know more, do give me a call. But not on the second. That’s the day I collapse, exhausted. However, I’m free on the third. In fact, why don’t we have lunch? I can tell you all about my pain and suffering, misery, and woe. Come on over to my house. It will be spotless. I promise!