Crocs are Still a Thing!

Last night, in bunion distress, I tossed out the last of my chic pointy high heels. My achy feet rejoiced, but my stylish soul cried out in despair. Later, seeking new comfortable shoes to buy, I discovered — to my extreme horror — crocs are still a thing!

They’re not just a “thing,” they’re proliferating — like mushrooms, mildew, and nuclear weapons. Now, I understand crocs are comfortable. And I endorse comfort. Nurses deserve comfort. Teachers deserve comfort. Hairdressers too. Anyone working on their feet all day deserves it. And now that I’m older and bunion-y, I deserve it too.

But there are limits.

And Crocs Makers Have Gone a Step Too Far!

There are now goth crocs. KFC fried chicken-scented crocs. Balenciaga stiletto crocs. Sequined wedding crocs. And in a sure sign that crocs have gone to the dogs, there are even mini crocs for pups!

Crocs for pups? OK. It sounds cute. But it’s also one step short of animal cruelty. Still, since you’re surely panting for the details, here goes:

They come in blue and measure 2.76×1.15×1.15 inches. So, obviously, they’re only for small dogs. This, I think, is a safety measure. Put a pair of crocs on even the gentlest of big dogs and you’re begging for trouble. Faster than you can say, “Who’s a cute dog?” I envision Big Bowser snapping and snarling, “Do not even think of taking an Insta of me in these ridiculous crocs.”

However, if you don’t heel and heed this warning, the doggone doggie crocs are available on Amazon. You can buy two or purchase a two-pack for all four paws. Just don’t say Big Bowser and I didn’t warn you!

And Speaking of the Big Dogs

For those of you still trying to be très chic even while living in the land of comfortable shoes, the high-heeled croc has come clomping onto the fashion scene! This croc from Hell (my personal appellation) is part of Balenciaga’s Spring 2022 collection. It’s available in black, gray, and bright green and sports the backstrap of a “classic” croc plus, of course, a significant heel. The shoe’s official moniker is the Balenciaga x Crocs 80 MM Mule and it’s expected to retail for about $1,ooo.  One headline writer gushed, “You’ll Look Sensibly Fierce.” Personally, I think you’ll look insensibly silly. Of course, that’s just one almost-oldster’s opinion!

Got Goth?

Goth crocs come in unisex black. (You were expecting hot-pink goth?) They feature nickel-plated spikes and high-sheen stainless steel chains. Retail price: $240. Now that’s a fright! Plus I confess the idea of spikes on my feet is also frightening. I’m a klutz. I trip from time to time. What happens if I spear myself?

From Black to White

In my croc research, I found a pair of white sequin crystal wedding crocs on Etsy. Price: $109.99. I’m not sure what to say about this. My high-priced high-heeled wedding shoes were so painful that even back then in my pre-bunion days, I practically limped down the aisle! Maybe comfort over style hidden under a long wedding gown won’t have been such a bad idea.

Kentucky Fried? Oh, My!

Of all the crocs I read about, the most ridiculous was last year’s fad, the KFC-Croc partnership of fried chicken-scented shoes with red and white stripes on the bottom and removable charms in the shape of a drumstick. They originally sold for $59.99, but can still be found on eBay for $150. My only question: Why?

The comfy shoe brand also has a partnership with Vera Bradley, which makes you “Summer-Ready.” This I have no objection to. Summer plus comfort makes perfect sense.

I found all this “fashion” intel while researching whether the wearing of pointy high heels in my youth had indeed wrecked my feet and caused by surgery-required bunion woes. But now, who knows? Maybe I’ll just invest in a wardrobe full of quirky crocs and skip the surgery? What’s next, blue or purple hair? Yes, these are strange times. And that ain’t no croc(k) of … well, you know what!