Updates from My Aqua Fitness Class

I’m from NYC, so you’d think I’d be used to crowds but somehow when it comes to my Aqua Fitness class, I’m in a league — and lane — of my own.

The water aerobics class I take is popular. Too damn popular in my opinion. The pool is sardine-like packed with thick-waisted, flabby thighed, flappy-armed babes like me, all splashing, kicking, flailing, and gasping for air.

Now, if that sounds slightly unattractive it, I mean, we are!

Aqua Fitness Fiend or Fanatic?

However, what worries me is the “gasping for air” part of the equation. We don’t wear masks in the water, and I worry about COVID spreading above the chlorine-scented waterways. Honestly, I don’t just worry, I obsess about it. I mean with all that aerobic huffing and puffing, surely something unhealthy is lurking in the misty, murky air, right?

Yet, the pool is so crowded, there is no room to spread out. Instead, we Aqua Fitters jump and jostle around like toddlers in a bouncy house, all to the beat of the scratchy, blaring music wailing through the loudspeaker.

🎵“She works hard for the money!”🎵Oh, sing it Donna Summer, sing it!

It’s all great fun … until it becomes a super spreader swim situation.

So, to avoid contagion, I seek to maximize my space away from my fellow female fitness fanatics. I try but I fail. The ladies that Aqua Fit simply do not have a sense of boundaries!

The first class I took I entered the pool on the right side but quickly realized that is where most of the gals gaggled. I tried to move to the less crowded left, but the class had begun and I was trapped!

All through the session, I kept looking, longingly, at that far left side of the pool which was virtually devoid of Aqua Fit enthusiasts, and wondered, “Why? Why was nobody standing there?”

The Russians are Coming … in a Good Way!

Meanwhile, the “right siders,” aside from being uncomfortably close to one another, possessed a unique charm — many of them spoke Russian. I speak Russian and was thrilled to find a tribe of native speakers in my new hometown of Reno, Still, damn it, ladies, spread out a little! Besides, I wondered, how did they manage to talk so much during class? I could barely catch my breath.

Leaving class, I was conflicted about my pool position strategy. Of course, avoiding COVID remained Priority Numero Uno or as we say in Russian, Priority Numer Odun, but hearing our instructor bellow our aerobic-y orders was also essential. Plus, now, I wanted to be close — or at least close-ish — to my new Russian pool pals. How could I hang out with them if I abandoned the right side of the pool? This was too complicated for my wet-haired head to handle!

What to Do?

After two days of flow charts and discussions with my therapist — aka Handsome Hubby — I decided to move to the center of the pool which seemed:

1. Less crowded.
2. A good spot to hear the instructor.
3. Close to the Russian ladies.

Sadly, like most middle-of-the-road solutions, it provided only mixed results:

1. By mid-class, both left and right Aqua Fittters had migrated to the center, and it became the most crowded, COVID-y place of all.
2. Plus, maddeningly, the Russian ladies’ voices were muffled. I could not hear them.

What to do?

Obviously, the only solution was to re-focus on my original top priority, safety. So, for the next class, I plopped into the extreme far left position of the pool. Ah, sweet space! Sweet air!

For the first 20 minutes, I kicked, splashed, and breathed with wild abandon. Then, I noticed something. I could not warm up. The air was chilly. Make that cold. After 30 minutes, I had goosebumps. I was shivering. Then, shaking!

I looked to the right. To the left and behind me. What was going on? Then, I saw IT! A massive wall fan! That was why NOBODY in their right Aqua FIT mind ever picked a spot on the left side of the pool.

Aqua Fitness Flight

After 35 minutes, I gave up. Teeth chattering, I hot-footed it over to the now sardine-packed center. Two ladies turned to me. I apologized for crowding in. One smiled and said, “We wondered when you’d figure it out and move.” Further over, one of the Russian women smirked and said something to another lady. I couldn’t hear her, but I could lipread. The word she had uttered was: “Durak.” Idiot.