Today’s Magic Words? Two-Day Free Delivery

Most girls go gah-gah when their guy whispers “I love you.” While those words are sweet, I, a die-hard New York shopaholic, prefer a man who murmurs a decidedly different set of magic words: “I can get it for you wholesale.” Better still, if he — tall, dark, and a retailer, proclaims he can provide two-day free delivery, I’m all his. If not, I’m just as likely to shout in my best Brooklynese, “fuggedaboudit.”

Two-Day Free Delivery or No Dice

Yes, sadly love and lust (and even wholesale prices) have gone the way of the dodo replaced by unromantic, unglamorous online shopping convenience.

These days just about all it takes for impatient me to hit the “buy” button is that quickie delivery offer. Throw in the pledge of an easy-to-return process and Mr. Online Retailer, you’ve “almost” got yourself a sale The last step: the return has got to be free.

Online Shopping is like Russian Roulette

If a retailer wants to charge me for trying his product, then again I say, “fuggedaboudit.” After all, online shopping is a lot like playing Russian roulette. You “hope” for the best, but …

You don’t know what you’re getting until you pull the trigger or in our happily bloodless scenario, buy the item and it arrives to see if you like it.

And if the purchase is clothing, well, good luck! Will it fit? Will it itch?

My Free People Fiasco

I recently went wild and bought 14 (!) sweaters, shirts, and pants from the hip dippy clothing line Free People. I forgot Free People clothes run big — make that hippo huge.

The clothes arrived in multiple packages over multiple weeks, but as soon as I opened the first “envelope” (such an elegant way to send clothes, all smushed up and wrinkled), I remembered the sizing problem. The shoulders of the sweater “draped” down below my elbows. Not a good look even for Dopey of the Seven Dwarfs! For a goof, I invited Handsome Hubby to join me in the sweater. There was still room to spare, although we did have a nice visit until we decided it wasn’t polite to “visit” — if you know what I mean — inside an item I planned to return!)

Guilt, No Glory

Anyway, after all 14 items finally arrived, I decided to keep two not because I loved them but out of embarrassment at the thought of returning everything.

But since the clothes had arrived in separate envelopes and crushed, crumpled boxes, I had to purchase one super-sized box to ship back all the super-sized clothes. That cost $12. Oh, well, at least there was no official return charge, although it took two weeks for the acknowledgment to come through that the return had arrived. Easy? Not so much.

The ordeal made me appreciate the ease of shopping via Amazon. We all vilify the behemoth, but still, we all buy, buy, buy from the site. It may no longer consistently deliver within that magical two-day window, but it’s free, and man, oh man, returns are easy peasy.

Two-Day Free Delivery or No Deal

Nordstrom sweaters are trendy, but deliveries are slow. Bloomingdale’s dresses are lovely but likewise, the wait time makes it seem like Santa is on speed dial. So, what’s a shop-till-she-drops kind of girl who thrives on instant gratification to do? Pay for expedited shipping? Please! My get-it-for-you-wholesale NY grandmother would roll over in her grave!

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Now, my fellow middle-aged muddlers, it’s your turn. What’s your biggest shopping gripe? Do tell!

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