A “Perfect” Proliferation. A Rant

Older people are a jaded lot. We complain about the state of the world. We complain about our children, and we complain about our health. Not young people. They — judging by their conversations — live in a perfect world.

Just listen:

A recent phone conversation at the doctor’s office:

Receptionist: “I just need to verify some information. What is your birthdate?”
Me: I reply.
She: “Perfect! Your address?”
Me: Reply
She: “Perfect! Your phone number?”
Me: Reply
She: “Perfect!”

And so it went … on and on.

Every sentence out of her mouth began with that dreaded “p” word.

Now, if it had been a multiple-choice quiz, “perfect” might have been a great response, but it wasn’t. My answers were simple statements of fact. Did I deserve or require praise? A mere acknowledgement that she heard my answers would have worked. A non-stop volley of “perfects” was piercing, grating, and exasperating.

No Rest from the Perfect

Post-doctor’s office, I needed a drink … and a sandwich. At the Greek fast-food restaurant, the ear assault continued.

“What would you like?” asked the perky young man behind the counter.
“A gyro, please.”
“Perfect. Anything to drink?”
“Really?” I thought. “Was a gyro the ‘perfect’ thing to order? I have been eating an awful lot of red meat lately.”
“Anything to drink?” he repeated.
“Uh, a Diet Coke.”
“Perfect!” he replied enthusiastically.

Now, I know for a fact that a Diet Coke is an imperfect drink. I also know I am an imperfect person living in an imperfect world. Yet everywhere I go, everybody under the age of 30 seems to think the perfect, indeed the only response, to any statement is that annoying, imprecise word.

Yes, while military experts worry that we live in an era of nuclear proliferation, I fear that we have entered an era of complete and utter “perfect” proliferation.

Just last Sunday, one of my girlfriends, Susan N., and her husband were out for brunch. They counted 13 “perfects” from their server, plus two more from the person who cleared the table.

A Solution?

I fear the day I will have an imperfectly timed meltdown and scream at some hapless young person who has mindlessly uttered the “p” word one too many times to me!

How in that moment of unseemly rage will I walk back my rant and explain calmly how they could just as easily have said, “Got it,” or “Thanks” instead of that idiotic, ill-suited response to my coffee order?

When did this “p” epidemic infect the younger generation? How can we stop it? Should we oldsters arm ourselves with paperback thesauruses and gift them freely to the young and the perfect, as we, the old and the weary, move through this gloriously imperfect world?

What say you? And please, do not reply, “Perfect!”

💐 🪻 💐

And in closing, ponder these words of the immortal Yogi Berra,

If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.