Dare to Go Bare

Naked dressing. It seems to be a contradiction in terms. Yet, from the catwalks of Milan to the Oscars and the Met Gala, all the gorgeous gals are doing it and I say it’s high time we fleshy middle-aged muddlers jump on the fashion bandwagon and dare to go (nearly) bare!

Who’s with me?

Dare to Go Bare

Come on, ladies, I’m not suggesting we go bare-butt naked. I’m simply saying let’s follow the lead of such fashion icons as Beyoncé and Lady Gaga and start wearing sheer, barely there clothing.

The naked dress look first appeared in the 1930s. It grew in popularity first at the mid-century mark with Marlene Dietrich, then in the 60s with Marilyn Monroe (think the rhinestone-encrusted, flesh-colored dress she wore while singing Happy Birthday to JKF), and Cher in the 70s.

Today, however, fashion magazines are proclaiming this the “golden age” of naked dressing and not just for celebrities, but for us mere mortals too, offering consumer tips on where to buy and how to style naked fashion!

And to think, boring misguided me thought all I needed for an upcoming summer trip was a new pair of sandals! Now, I’m torn between a leather and mesh number a la Rihanna and a sheer paneled corset a la Lady Gaga!

But now that I’ve started thinking naked (fashion),  I’m thinking of making a big commitment.

For example, I might emulate singer/actress Janelle Monáe who recently wore a sheer dress over a shiny bikini at the Met Gala. Don’t you think I’d make a splash at my next AquaFit exercise class all decked out like Janelle?

Dare to Bare Tips

If you’re tempted to join fashionista me, here are a few ideas:

• On your way to a boring board meeting? How about livening up your tired attire by pairing a lacy bodysuit with a men’s jacket? Of course, be sure to arrive late, so everybody can get a good look at your outfit. Don’t you dare consider slouching or hiding behind a desk! Show off your new look, girl! Go boldly bare or stay home!
• And what about you ladies searching for something chic for that upcoming fancy charity fundraiser? Bored with the same old full-length black evening gown? Why not follow the lead of her Majesty, Queen Bey?

On tour, Beyoncé wore a sheer bodysuit — completely sheer that is but for a few strategically placed painted-on black gloves! It was a stunner. Imagine the looks you’d get in a similar get-up!

Dare to Bare Budget … and Comedy … Concerns

Still, for those of us on a budget, I wonder … does Amazon carry a line of nearly naked clothes? Sweats or sun dresses with sheer panels? It could be a hot seller especially with hot summer days ahead.

Meanwhile, for aspiring comics struggling with wardrobe issues, here’s a sartorial option: Perform on NYC’s “The Naked Comedy Show.” No suit, no dress, no underwear required! Fuhgeddaboud sheer bodysuits. Fuhgeddaboud “demure” corsets or strategically placed feather bras. Just go for the gusto and the laughs.

Now, while I occasionally toy with the idea of taking my comedic rambling to the stage, I fear this naked show biz act is a step too far! I fear the only laughs I’d get would occur when actually stepping onto the stage and the audience catches its first look at chubby middle-aged me!

And on a practical note, where does a naked absentminded comic keep his/her set notes? In a hat? In his/her shoes? Does one even wear shoes or a baseball cap while performing stand-up in the nude?

On the Up Side

One good thing about this naked dressing trend is that it definitely puts an end to the dreaded VPL (visible panty line) problem. With sheer frocks, you’d better darn well have visible panties or you’re likely to get carted away by the vice squad! Of course, all this exposed underwear makes our mothers’ advice about always wearing clean panties in case we get in an accident so charmingly quaint.

Anyway, ladies, I do think we should try the naked dressing look next time we go to the market. I bet we might even get ushered to the front of the check-out line. What a time-saver!

What do you say? We’ve conquered cell phones. Social media. Even our TV remote controls … well, almost. Let’s take on this wild new fashion trend.

Let’s show those skinny celebrity girls a thing or two … and I’m talking show them our middle-aged saggy middles, hips, and behinds! Nothing less will do! Let’s strut our stuff.

We may not score invitations to the Oscars or Cannes. We may not walk catwalks or get cat calls, but boy, oh, boy, will we make the scene — or at least a scene — at Whole Foods, Target, and the dentist’s office!

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This week’s photo credits: Getty Images

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