Do Your Ears Hang Low?

Pick up a fashion magazine, any fashion magazine, any day of the week, and you’ll find all sorts of tips on how to keep your skin youthful looking, your body from aging, and your hair shiny and healthy. Sadly, however, there is one aging dilemma yet to receive widespread media attention, and that is the problem of droopy earlobes.

That’s right – droopy earlobes. It is one of those dirty little tricks Mom Nature plays on you. As you get older, your earlobes droop, and all those precious dainty button earrings you have, suddenly don’t look so cute on your now dangling, bobbing, overly-spacious lobes.

What’s a middle-aged fashionista supposed to do?

Can you tie ‘em in a knot?
Can you tie ‘em in a bow?

For me, this problem started in my late 50s. First, it was annoying and inconvenient, switching from this earring to that, trying to find a set that looked good. At first, I couldn’t understand what was going on. Why did my favorite earrings suddenly not look good? Had my fashion sense changed? Was I wearing my hair differently? Then I realized it wasn’t about fashion or hair. Gold or silver. Diamonds or pearls. It was, shudder, about age and gravity.

Can you throw ’em o’er your shoulder
Like a continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?

I grant you droopy earlobes isn’t as obvious as sagging, fleshy, jiggly grandma underarms; but that said, it is yet another blow to a person’s (alright this person’s) already shaken self-esteem.

At Least It Ain’t Hairy

I knew as men aged, they sprout hairs on their ears, but I thought the ears were one body part that Mother Nature gave women a pass on. I mean, aren’t wrinkles, crow’s feet, bags under the eyes, drooping breasts and sagging necklines enough? Come on, Mom Nature, enough already!

Now, I admit, this earlobe lament may not just be a function of aging. There could be a link to a proclivity in one’s youth to sporting ponderous dangling earrings, you know the kind favored by Madonna, the Bangles, and the Go-Gos.

That said, this ear droop dilemma has complicated my daily dressing routine. Dangling earrings accentuate the flaw. Delicate pearls are virtually invisible on my blowing-in-the-wind lobes. To hide this GLARING imperfection, I bought new super-sized button-style earrings to conceal the looming lobes.

There’s a Surgery for That

Droopy earlobes come in two varieties. Some women suffer from enlarged ear piercings; others, like me, merely endure droopy lobes. You might laugh at the distinctions, but these are real distinctions for us once-fashion-forward gals.

Luckily, the captains of medicine and industry have heard our cries. Faster than you can say, “middle-age woes,” there are solutions.

Plastic surgeons can do earlobe lifts. There’s probably a fancy name for the procedure, but I forget it – another sign of aging. I could look it up for you on the Internet, but my Internet isn’t working and I don’t know how to fix it. Yes, I know. Internet-ineptitude is another sure sign of aging. I could ask my tech-wizard son to fix my Internet, but I’ve already asked for his help on another computer problem today and I limit myself to one “help please” texted tech request a day.

And There’s a Product for That

There are also non-surgical, anti-earlobe droop products on the market that “instantly makes torn or stretched lobes no longer visible.” I bought one called Lobe Wonder TM. The box arrived and I quickly tore into it, seeking immediate ear-lobe salvation. Instead, I found a brand name, brand-new opportunity to display personal ineptitude. I needed to apply teeny, tiny adhesive patches to the back of my ear. I just couldn’t do it.

I thought of asking Handsome Hubby to help, but he was so busy laughing at the idea of me being upset about my earlobes and spending money on a product to “fix it,” it was impossible to get his attention. Let’s see who’s laughing next time he asks me to trim the hair off of his ears!

There are Home Remedies Too

Before my Internet crashed, I did find one article that offered an array of organic-y solutions. Recommendations included massaging the offending orbs with oil (olive or coconut), applying the astringent witch hazel once or twice a day to tighten the skin, making a paste of crushed aspirin and water (this option comes highly recommended by young people with those horrific big holes in their ears), or using hemorrhoid cream (also good for bags under your eyes).

I found an additional suggestion from the kitchen-and-medicine-cabinet crowd, but I do so with caution: gently massage honey onto your ears to remove dead cells and enhance blood circulation. However, beware of bees and men who might nibble on your ears. That could lead to swelling and get you right back to the problem you were trying to solve – enlarged earlobes!

What’s a Middle-Aged Fashionista to Do?

I admit it. I’m obsessed. I look for exercises to strengthen earlobes but find none. I buy a baker’s dozen hairstyle magazines thinking there might be a perfect haircut to hid the ears without simultaneously obscuring my vision and inhibiting my ability to eat the baker’s dozen cookies I also bought. I buy a wide, stretchy cloth hairband to cover the offending lobes. That look was a fashion mistake when I was ten. Now it looks like I have a head injury.

Do your ears flip-flop?
Can you use them as a mop?

Maybe there is a sagging earlobe support group? Once the Internet is working, I’ll check. Meanwhile, anybody wants to buy a box of earlobe patches (58 left in a box of 60)?