I Want to be a Celebrity Wife

It’s the end of summer and I’m feeling restless. Discontent. Work-a-holic Handsome Hubby won’t take a vacation. All I do is slouch around, wearing baggy sweatpants and jeans. Clearly, I’m in a rut. What to do? Based on reading People Magazine, the “only” solution to my summer ennui is to marry a mega-star and become a super-hot celebrity wife.

It sounds extreme, but the benefits are clear. I could step out of my sweats and jump into fabulous design frocks. I could sashay down Red Carpets galore and go to all the fab, fun fancy after-parties. I could attend the Met Gala and pal around with eternally sun-glassed, bang-wearing Vogue Magazine Editor-in-Chief Anna Wintour. I could sail around on super-yachts.

I’d be photographed. Envied. Gossiped about. Have Twitter (X?) followers. Why, I could even have my own “brand.” Maybe a cosmetic line to boot! Come to think of it, a celeb boots line too!

Celebrity Wife Role Model

My role model for all this is Ayesha Curry, wife of Golden State Warriors basketball superstar (and all-around great guy) Steph Curry.

Ayesha and Steph were childhood sweethearts. So, she clearly has a decades-head start on me as far as being a celebrity wife goes. No matter.

The fact that Steph is a once-in-a-lifetime sports sensation also gives her a decided advantage over most celeb wives. Again, no matter.

Although I admit Ayesha is a stretch role model,  she is definitely my celebrity wife inspiration.

Ayesha’s Plusses

1. Seemingly perfect marriage (Super-hot, super-sweet husband and three adorable children)
2. Gorgeous and tall (5’8”) but also upfront about her struggles with image and weight
3. Talented (a cookbook author, cooking show television personality, and entrepreneur)

You immediately see the similarities between Ayesha and me, right? We both have great husbands who wear sneakers. We both birthed adorable children (OK, mine are adults, but they’re still cute and occasionally cuddly). I’m decidedly un-gorgeous, decidedly un-tall. But I do like food and I could write volumes about that! Additionally, I am upfront about weight and image challenges. As for talent, while I’m not much of a cook, I do make reservations with the skills of a master something or another. So that kinda makes us similar, agreed?

Celebrity Wife Song

Admittedly Ayesha has one clear-cut advantage over me. A famous singer has rhapsodized about her. In his sixth album, Certified Lover Boy, Canadian rapper/songwriter Drake complains about loving a woman who’s more interested in dancing and drinking than serious romancing.

“How I’m supposed to wife it? You not Ayesha enough.”
You love getting T’d up.
Love showin’ the cakes, you know that they eat it up.”
Drake’s Race Your Mind

Now, I must admit, I’m not 100% clear what part of the woman’s anatomy he’s referring to as her “cakes” or what getting “T’d up” is, but I get the basic point. Drake’s woman is not marrying material. Not the kind of girl you bring home to your mother. Definitely not Ayesha celebrity wife material.

Me? I’m A Meme

As for me, while I haven’t been song material, my name is the subject of hundreds, maybe thousands of memes. OK. They’re mean Karen memes, but as a wannabe celeb wife, I suppose I must accept the good with the bad. It is, alas, the price of fame!

So, no song. Just a meme, but that, of course, is not the main problem I face. I obviously lack the chief ingredient to becoming a celebrity wife and that is I am not married to a celebrity.

What to do? Divorce sweet Handsome Hubby? Now, that’s a huge problem. I am, of course, crazy in love with the guy.

That leaves me with only one good option.

HH Must Step Up to the Plate

Now, at an age when he might think of slowing down, HH must do the opposite. Putting it simply, he has got to step up his game. I mean he’s already a rock star in the energy renewable/energy efficiency world, internationally acclaimed, complete with his own Wikipedia page and all that. But now, he’s got to translate that recognition into wider fame and glory, the kind that nets those rarified invitations to the Met Gala, invitations to the Oscars. The kind of fame that gets rappers writing songs with my name in them.

I’m not sure how HH is going to do it, but that’s on him. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to consider a second, sad option.

Option II: Hunt for a Celeb Seeking a Muddling Middle-aged, Fame-seeking Wife

I admit this is not desirable. I also acknowledge it’s not realistic. Let’s face it, my face and figure are not what they used to be. Even with the best of head-to-toe plastic surgery, my shelf life isn’t long in the Twitterverse (X-verse?). Besides I really cannot think of a high-profile celeb who might want a muddled middle-aged writer for a future wife, can you? Kevin Costner? I think not! He’s not high on anybody’s matchmaking list right now!

Celeb Wife Dreams Dashed … or Are They?

Oh well. I guess my dream of being a celebrity wife are doomed, but just in case it does work out, let’s keep this blog between us. Don’t tell HH. Because even if it does come true via Option II, I’ll still keep him as my sweetie — just on the down low. Of course, we’ll need to keep that out of the tabloids. It won’t be good for my celeb wife “brand.”