My Kid Won’t Call, but My Doctor Won’t Quit

It’s truth. My kid won’t call, but my doctor won’t quit. He’s relentless. Texting. Emailing. Calling. Nonstop reminders about upcoming appointments. He’s a regular pain in the neck!

Yes, even if you’re lucky enough to have an adult child who regularly returns your calls, I’m sure you know the pain of getting inundated with a bazillion reminders of upcoming appointments from your doctor’s office.

This constant flood of medical — make that weaponized medical — text, email, and phone call reminders has gone too far!

Surely stalkers are less relentless in their evil obsessive behaviors! In fact, I think an argument can be made that the people who design these automated software systems are stalkers working their day jobs!

The flood of notifications we patients impatiently receive has increased because of economics. When patients don’t show up or cancel appointments at the last minute, doctors lose money. I get that. I’m sympathetic, but still, medical providers take some pity on us! Your constant messaging is giving us heartburn!

My Kid Won’t Call, But My Doctor Won’t Quit

Your multiple notification systems — one for medical records, another for prescriptions, and another for messages—are out of control. They need to be coordinated. Stop the notification glut for the sake of our guts!

Recently I counted the number of reminders I received for just one appointment.

The reminder onslaught started even before I left the doctor’s office where I booked a follow-up visit.

Standing in front of the doctor’s receptionist, I added the scheduled appointment to my phone’s calendar.

“Do you need a reminder card? she politely, but quite obviously redundantly queried.

“No, thank you,” said I, waving my phone.

I had not walked 10 steps away from her desk, when a “Reminder. You have an appointment with Dr. So and So on July 10th” flashed on my phone.

The message was three paragraphs long! It contained not only the details of the upcoming visit, but also the office address (duh!), instructions on how to cancel or reschedule my appointment, and a stern order to UPDATE my medical information before coming in.

Of course, that was just the start of it all.

The Reminders Begin

By the time I got home, I had received a second text message and also, an email, both saying the same thing: “You have new information in your medical chart. Log in to your Patient Portal at www: …”

And what was that new information? You guessed it! A reminder that I have an upcoming appointment!

A week passed. Blessed silence! Not one single message.

Then, a new round of stalking, I mean, messaging commenced. I received another text and an email reminding me about the upcoming appointment, three weeks hence. (Maybe they were excited about seeing me and were counting the days!)

Anyway, I do think these non-stop reminder minders need to channel their talents in another, more productive direction … like counting down the days to Hannukah, Christmas, my anniversary, and my birthday, so Handsome Hubby can stay on top of gift shopping!

My Doctor Won’t Quit

More reminders came in but with a new threatening tone. “Be sure to confirm, cancel, or re-schedule, or you will be charged.”

Yikes. What am I? A deadbeat? Irresponsible? If I’m not going to keep the appointment, I — a considerate, bill-paying, adult — know to cancel an appointment.

But the messages — and threats — continued. “Have you updated your medical information yet? You MUST before coming in OR risk having the office cancel your appointment!!!”

Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t lead an exciting, action-packed, ever-changing life, medically speaking. I don’t slalom ski or break-dance. So, I don’t break limbs every week (thank goodness) or undergo surgery (double thank goodness). Nor have I suddenly developed an addiction to street drugs, tobacco, or alcohol, although I swear the stress of receiving all these unwanted messages might lead me to drink! So, I don’t know what medical info I need to update.

In this regard, I sometimes think of lying as a goof. I mean, does anybody actually read these forms? What if I listed I was pregnant? Surely that should get somebody’s attention!

Week One

With just seven days until my appointment, the reminders were coming in hot and heavy. I even started getting lengthy robocalls, which invariably came while making or eating dinner.

And what was the total number for all these reminders? Fifteen! Fifteen reminders for one appointment.

But there’s a plot twist to this tally tale …

The doctor’s office called just as I was getting in my car to head over to the office. The receptionist was sorry, but she had to cancel the appointment. The doctor had a family emergency and had to leave. She apologized and asked when would be a convenient time to reschedule. I said not to bother. I couldn’t handle the stress and besides I couldn’t even remember why I needed to come in.

I did ask one favor. Would she please call my son and see how he is doing? I hadn’t returned my latest call. Maybe the office staff — relentless souls that they were — would have better luck!