My New Career

Attention, fellow middle-aged muddlers,

I’m excited to inform you I’m starting down a new career path. It’s one I’d never considered before, but one I know you will agree suits me to a “T.”

In some ways, it’s a surprising choice — especially at my age, but it has a lot going for it. There’s teamwork, camaraderie, travel, and lots of excitement.

You get massages. Pep talks. Free physical therapy. People cheer you on. And if you’re successful, there’s jewelry — specifically, rings. And trophies, too.

But what’s most exciting is the eating opportunities. You get to eat A LOT.

Why just the other day, I read about one youth who is so dedicated to advancing his career he’s eating 4000 calories a day. And all I can say is, if that’s what it takes: I’m all in!

A New Career

If you haven’t guessed by now, the career I’m going to pursue is football!

Now, you might caution and say, “But Karen, you’re old.” You might also say, “But Karen, you’re a klutz. Unathletic.” You might observe that I don’t even like football and don’t know a thing about the game.

Well, to all that I say — for 4,000 calories a day, I can learn to love anything — even a sport where people bash into one another, get concussions, and wear ridiculously tight pants.

Of course, actors occasionally bulk up for Oscar-worthy roles. Think Robert DeNiro in Raging Bull. But I’m thinking long-term. I want career and calorie stability. So, I’m going pro-ball.

And just think of the freedom that comes with this kind of eating. Think peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast! Plus no more middle-age guilt about packing on the pounds! In fact, packing on the pounds would be a plus for future all-star line-backer me! No more girdles or Spanx. Instead of smirking at my overly ample behind, the crowds will be cheering at my girth!

Handsome Hubby is dubious — not about my ability to pack on the pounds, but about my sports skills. Still, I’m selling him on the perks. He’ll get to sit with the trophy wives! And he’ll be a ground-breaking trophy husband — akin to Second Husband Doug Emhoff!

Plan B

And if I don’t make it to the majors, I’ve got a back-up plan — Sumo wrestling. Have you seen how portly those boys are? They must do some pretty serious eating to keep that girth going?

Of course, I’m going to have to campaign hard for some major wardrobe adjustments. I’ll need more than a diaper to wrestle Sumo-a-Sumo! But still, what I won’t do for a Sumo-sized meal or two.

And think of the joint promotional ventures I can do with my new sports-based career, appearing nightly on ESPN AND Diners, Drive-ins and Dives? Be still my pounding heart and growling tummy!

🏈 🏈 🏈

About today’s photo:

First, football fans, do you recognize the player? It’s “The Refrigerator” — William Anthony Perry who played pro-ball for ten seasons, primarily with the Chicago Bears.

At 335 pounds, Perry set the record for the heaviest player to score a touchdown in a Super Bowl. Today’s photograph is from that game, Super Bowl XX — the Bears v New England Patriots.

Perry also has the largest Super Bowl ring at size 25. Now, that’s some super-sized bling!