Save the M&M’s! Don’t Make America Healthy!

First, he came for the COVID and measles vaccines.
And I did not speak out —
Because I’ve already had my vaccinations.

Then he came for the fluoride in the drinking water.
And I did not speak out —
Because I have good teeth.

Then he came for the Kool-Aid, the Lucky Charms, and Jell-O snacks.
And still I said nothing.
Because seriously, I’m an adult, and who cares?

But now …
Now he is coming for the M&M’s, and dammit, I must speak out.

Some things in these troubled times must remain unsullied and messy, melt-in-your-hands and on-your-car-seat M&M’s, plain and peanut, are among them.

I care not for political or health correctness. I just want some things in the ever-changing tides of change to remain, well, to remain unchanged.

Take Skittles, if you must. Honestly, nobody but the maker of that travesty of a bite-sized M&M’s wannabe cares. Take Froot Loops. I don’t care. A cereal that cannot even bother to spell fruit correctly certainly is fair game.

But M&M’s? No. A bagful of no’s.

Yes, while most of the big dye food makers, Nestle, ConAgra, Kraft Heinz, General Mills, and PepsiCo, may have caved to you, Bobby Jr., I stand with M&M’s manufacturer, Mars. You will have to pry my brightly colored-candy treats from my eternally dye-stained paws.

Now, I understand the irony of my position. Getting rid of unhealthy chemical dyes in food products is probably the only good thing Bobby Jr. will ever do as Secretary of Health and Human Services. He should be encouraged, indeed, lauded for this act of — dare I say it, sanity — in the oversalted sea of insanity in which he swims.

Still, why, oh, why, has he seen the health light when it comes to this sacred bedrock of my childhood delight?

I am rendered near speechless (and not just because of the fistful of M&M’s stuffed into my mouth). All I can mutter is this:

Stand back and stand down, oh, Secretary Joy Killer. Go behead a whale. Run over another defenseless bear. Those are clearly your comfort go-to’s. Just leave me and my technicolor M&M’s alone! Go make some other country healthy again. What about China?”

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