Tale of the Toilet

We just splurged on a fancy-pants electric toilet with a seat warmer and all sorts of bells and whistles. Unfortunately, it’s so complicated, it requires instruction to operate! Instead of taking reading material to the toilet, we’ve had to study before sitting! And so, with this tale of the toilet, please indulge me in a little potty talk!

First, to give you a sense of how elaborate our fancy flusher is: the instruction “booklet” is 48-pages long! And that’s just the English version. There are separate Spanish and French versions. Mais oui! That’s a lot of print just to go wee-wee!

Tale of the Toilet

Our toilet goes by the official moniker of Toto Washlet SW3084Y40. It’s not just a toilet. It’s also a bidet, something I’ve wanted since my college days when I toured France and learned about croissants, couth, culture, and well, bidets.

But the techno-wonder Toto Washlet is so much more than the old-timey bidets I saw in France back in the practically pre-historic Paris of 1976.

Our  SW3084Y40 has rear cleansing, rear soft cleansing, and front cleansing, too. There’s a wand position adjustment feature and water pressure adjustment plus temperature adjustment. Warm air drying to boot! And as for all that cleaning, there’s an oscillating mode and a pulsating one, too.

Of course, there’s that seat warmer — a welcome feature for chilly winter mornings. And two personal setting positions — just like we have for our car seats. Va-roooom, baby!

Honestly, our Washlet is kind of sexy. Part sex toy in addition to fancy flusher/bidet. I’m just saying. Ooh la la!

The List of Features Goes On

It also has sanitizing features up the … Well, let’s just say it has a lot of sanitizing features, including deodorizing and auto wand clean — another use for that wacky rascally wand!

And to make Mr. Energy Efficiency Handsome Hubby happy (in case, the wand doesn’t do the trick), there’s an auto energy-saver feature.

Of course, our Toto Washlet SW3084Y40 also flushes with the best of them!

And least I forget, there’s a remote control. Although I have no idea why you need a remote… unless you want to prank somebody who’s sitting there minding their own business.

But Still …

Yet, how do you operate most of those features? I have no idea!

We should have known we were in trouble when the cover page of the instruction manual  solemnly warns to “keep it in a safe place for future reference.” At my age, this makes sense. Even if I figure out how to operate the Washlet, I’ll never remember the details.

Handsome Hubby, of course, is my go-to tech guy, and he’s taken it upon himself to figure it out. Of course, by the time he gets through the manual, I will have developed a case of stomach ailments.

Besides, I confess. I’m afraid of this new-fangled flusher. Every time I approach our techno-toilet, it lights up and starts whirring, humming, and clicking.

I’m Scared

And what about that wand “position” feature? Where exactly is it? What activates it? What “positions” does it assume? Will I like the positions? It all could be hygienic, right? It could even be thrilling. But what if the water temp is too cold? Or too hot? How would you explain a burn “down there?”

Honestly, I get nervous about using toilets on airplanes. All that whooshing and suction. We’ve all heard those mortifying stories of people getting stuck on airplane toilets. How would you even explain a home commode catastrophe? “Hello, 911, the auto functions on my Toto Washlet went awry and I’m stuck. Please rescue me!”

Playing It Safe

So, until HH makes his way through the entire user manual, I’m trotting down the hall and using the plain, old flush toilet. I might be sitting on an unheated, cold potty, but at least my tush is safe.

There, at least, the only thing I have to fear is alligators coming up through the pipes. Oh, wait, that only happens in Florida. Here in Reno, I’m safe … for now!