A New Wrinkle in Time

Sometimes I worry I will run out of things to write about. Then I discover articles like “Cleavage Reboot: How to Smooth Out Chest Wrinkles,” and I realize I will never run out of “dire” aging maladies to worry – and write – about!

Yes, chest wrinkles, a problem right up there with global warming, the plight of the homeless, and discrimination.

It only took God 99 words (at least in one version I looked at) to write The Ten Commandments, the foundation of faith and civility for millions around the world. But chest wrinkles? It took the author of “Cleavage Reboot” 1046 words to address that zaftig situation.

Yes, ladies of a certain age, chest wrinkles are a thing and for those of us who aren’t worried about it, we need to start RIGHT NOW.

For, as the “Cleavage Reboot” author sternly admonishes us, “the truth is that many women entering their 40s are starting to see the results of ignoring the clavicle-to-nipple region.”

Chest Wrinkles aka Clinkles

The problem: the skin on the upper chest is thin and delicate, and therefore especially sensitive and prone to wrinkles. Sun damage and the failure to apply sunscreen increase the risk. Buxom babes are also likely to wrinkle. (A classic example, I guess, of taking the good with the bad.) And if you’re a side-sleeper, woe unto you!

Of course, cleavage wrinkles have their own specialized endearing nicknames. In some circles, they’re known as “clinkles” and cougar cleavage!

Happily, where there’s a Baby Boomer problem, there’s a solution (with-a-price-tag) at hand! Cue the Hallelujah Chorus! Actually, there are multiple solutions!

“Solution” Number 1: Glycolic Acid Chemical Peels

Yes, your skin will turn red and you’ll feel like you’re suffering from the sunburn from Hell, but the good news is even with your chest a-flame, you can return to work ASAP. “Thanks” to the acid, the outermost layers of skin are sloughed away and skin texture improves. Alas, the result is only about a 20 percent reduction in wrinkles. (Cost: $250 to $1,000)

“Solution” Number 2: Lasers

Lasers level out the proverbial playing field a bit more, but experts say you’ll likely need three treatments, spaced six weeks apart. Here too, you’ll get that alluring chesty sunburned look and also, miss at least a day of work, but reportedly with laser treatments, there’s an 80 percent reduction in wrinkles. (Cost: $1,000 to $1,500 per treatment.)

“Solution” Number 3: More Lasers!

There’s another laser treatment on the décolleté block. PicoSure laser, also used for tattoo removal. It doesn’t get very hot and causes less redness. PicoSure also requires multiple treatments, but reportedly results in a 65-70 percent wrinkle reduction. (Cost: about $750 per visit)

“Solutions” Numbers 4 and 5: Fun with Needles!

Belotero is the filler of choice for the chest set. It’s a colorless, ultra-thin filler that can be massaged and molded, once injected, for a smooth result that lasts about six months. (Cost: $650 per syringe)

Another technique is microneedling which stimulates collagen production and improve texture. A torturer, I mean dermatologist, uses a device to create teeny pinpricks in the skin. As the punctures heal, they encourage the skin to remodel and look smoother. Three treatments are the norm, spaced one month apart. (Total cost: $1,000 total)

“Solution” Number 6: A Special Pillow

For you side sleepers, there’s a special pillow to separate and support your breasts. If that’s not a sexy image when you crawl into bed with your significant other, I don’t know what is!

“Hey, Handsome Hubby, no funny stuff. I’m cuddling up tonight with my new ‘Bosom Buddy.'”

And yes, that is the brand name of one of those breast pillows. (Price: $34.95.) Imagined expression on HH’s face: Priceless!

More, More, More

And there are more shop-and-spend-till-you-don’t-droop options out there including targeted anti-aging creams and this too-good-to-be-true deal on “Decollete Pad for Chest Wrinkles – Set of 2 Silicone Chest Pads for Decollete and Cleavage Wrinkles Prevention – Reusable Overnight Anti Wrinkle Remover with 4 Eye Smoothing Patches Bonus!” Wow. A chest and eye solution all in one!

A Wrinkle in Time

So, that’s it. A summary of some “solutions” to a problem I had never heard of, but can now anticipate.

And, of course, worry I do. Just last night, HH and I were headed out for a fancy dinner. I put on a favorite scooped neck silk blouse and reached for a favorite dangly necklace. I peered in the mirror and shook my head in dismay. My neckline and chest area definitely did not look “right.” Off went the necklace. Off went the blouse. On went a high-necked sweater. On went a scarf!

Maybe next I’ll go full ostrich and just stick my head and neck in the sand! No sunscreen. No anti-aging lotion. And no turtleneck top required!

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And a quick aside: what was Sophia Loren thinking as she stared disapprovingly at Jayne Mansfield’s chest? Was she checking for early signs of chest wrinkles?