A Whine about Wine

I hate to whine and be ungrateful, but I cannot help myself. A dear colleague of my husband just sent him a case of wine as a thank you gift. And I’m asking, why couldn’t he have sent a case of ice cream? So, yes, this blog is a whine about wine.

When did America fall in love with wine?

Don’t answer. I did my research. I know the answer.

In 2014, the US became the largest wine-consuming nation in the world, and in the last decade, wine consumption in America has risen steadily every year. My question is: why? What’s so great about wine?

I, for one, cannot drink wine. Never could. It goes right to the part of my brain that says “Giggle. Cry. Sleep. Do not stop to pee.” At the same time, my heart — and hips — cry out, “Ice cream.” But that cry is never answered by friends bearing or sending gifts. Have senders never heard of dry ice? Sure, it’s a bit pricey and bulky, but ice cream is cheaper than wine. So, it would all balance out in the end.

Whine about Wine Hostess Gifts

And what is the excuse of visitors bearing hostess gifts? Have they not read the articles warning against bringing wine as hostess gifts in case hosts have alcohol addiction problems? Or sacre bleu, don’t people worry about causing inadvertent cultural offenses? Don’t they know it’s rude to bring wine to a Frenchman’s home? It implies you think the host would not have planned properly by having wine on hand to serve!

Of course, Handsome Hubby and I don’t have a drinking problem and we’re not French, but still …

Yet, connoisseurs say drinking wine is about much more than drinking. They say that the experience is more like a good meal, appealing not only to one’s taste buds but the sense of smell and the sense of sight. They claim drinking wine creates a more well-rounded drinking experience than other drinks!

I dunno. It makes no sense to me!

On the Other Hand

Meanwhile, ice cream creates shivers and chills. And if the flavor is Rocky Road, you’ve got all marshmellowy gooeyness combined with nutty crunch swaddled by all that chocolate deliciousness. Now that’s what I call a whole-body sensory experience!

Medical Community Weighs In

But now, to add insult to injury, the medical community is siding with the wino community, opining that vino prevents dementia. However, tipplers take note: Scientists caution that while one glass does the trick, more than can increase the risk of dementia.

The reason a glass a day is supposedly good has all to do with polyphenols, micronutrients that have anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties.

I Scream for Ice Cream

Well, that’s swell, but still, I scream for ice cream. And on this score, Handsome Hubby agrees. He suffers from Restless Leg Syndrome which causes involuntary leg movements, especially at night when he’s trying to sleep. When he drinks even a sip or two, his legs start moving like they’re on the forced march from Bataan.

Meanwhile, we’re so frequently “gifted” with wine you’d think we’re die hard drinkers. Even though we serve wine at our own dinner parties and regularly “re-gift” our wonderful wine, somehow it accumulates faster than we can give the gift of the vine away.

And Speaking of Dinner Parties

Since we’ve moved to California seven years ago, wine is one of the prime topics of conversations. I mean, man, people here live for their wine and wine talk! They discuss vineyards, tannins, and aroma with the passion people in DC talk politics. It’s enough to make me blush (also a wine term). I just politely nod while sipping my Diet Coke delicately out of my red wine goblet.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

We have an adorable eight-year-old neighbor. Pre-COVID shutdowns, she used to come to our house to play all the time. She’d pick lemons from our massive Meyer lemon tree and sell lemonade out front with her brother.

One day, I suggested she start selling wine by the glass as a school fundraiser. I told her I’d donate some of our wine a-plenty to the cause. Immediately thereafter, her mother stopped letting her come over. But — ha! — after six months of schools being closed, I bet her mother regretted declaring our house a no-play zone.

Whine Wine No more

Anyway, here’s a secret, but don’t tell Handsome Hubby!

Since I can’t count on friends to fill our freezer with ice cream, I’m taking matters into my own hands. I found an Ice Cream of the Month Club online and, as a birthday gift for HH, I’ve signed us up for a few months. It won’t help us shed any of our sheltering-at-home weight. It won’t stop dementia. But at least we’ll be happy. Nothing to whine about there! And yes, I’ll drink to that. One vanilla ice cream soda coming right up!

And if our wine woes aren’t enough, now there’s a boba tea shortage sweeping the nation! Shipping containers from Asia are stacked up at West Coast ports, delaying the arrival of supplies of those delightful chewy tapioca balls that go into boba tea. And for HH, this is a snack crisis!

When I read about this, I immediately went online to order his favorite brand of tapioca pearls. Hurray and hurrah! I quickly scored two packages and was just about to hit the confirm order button — until I looked at the final price. Do you see the problem? Look again. A-hum! I quickly deleted the order.

Oh, boba! Oh, baby! Oh, no!

In 34 years of marriage, I never thought there were limits to my love of HH. But I was wrong. Happily, HH agrees. Almost $60 in shipping charges on a $15 purchase. That’s the limit!

So, now we’re screaming for ice cream and boba tea! Still, we’re vaccinated! So, our dessert and wine whines are minor, don’t you agree?