Help! I’ve Become a Human Pincushion

In the name of beauty, women (and men) willingly go under the needle and knife for fillers and plastic surgery. And likewise for Dame Lithe, we submit for weekly injections of Ozempic and Mounjaro. But me? Well, I alas know the real Needle Way of Life! The result? I’ve become a human pincushion! It may be my “secret” to eternal vitality, but yikes, it hurts!

Yes, I am a woman held together, but also captive by injectables. Like clockwork, I get poked, prodded,  and stabbed. But here’s the deal: it’s medicinal, not a vanity project.

Here is my regular needle regimen:

• First, there’s the weekly Ozempic stab in the flabby tummy. I was reluctant, but my doctor was adamant about the need to shed ten pounds to ease my aching arthritic joints and sleep apnea.
• Then there’s the quarterly back-of-the-skull jabs to ward off migraines. They work, but make a nasty squishy sound going in. Yuck!
• New to the needle mix is a tiny dash of Botox that’s zapped into each jaw for TMJ. It’s so new, I don’t know how often I’ll be getting it, but happily at first blush, it’s providing some relief.
• Also, new to the “menu” is a yearly infusion of a bone-building medication called Recast, which — while sadly not designed to boost my chances of landing a starring role in a Broadway musical — will shore up my bones to stave off osteoporosis.

And now, my two orthopedic doctors (back and hip) are “in consultation,” a fancy medical term for what more accurately should be called “ganging up on me,” to determine what mix of steroid shots, plasma infusions, and/or nerve blocks to recommend to address a host of nagging neck, mid/lower back, and hip woes I have.

Yes. I am a Human Pincushion!

And like all of you, I should throw into the mix the annual vaccinations we get … flu, COVID, RSV, shingles, etc.

It’s a wonder some doctor in the course of a routine examination doesn’t notice all the puncture marks on my body and suspect I’m shooting up some illegal substance!

Yet, believe me, I’m grateful my multiple woes are minor, non-life-threatening, and treatable. Still, for someone with a lifelong aversion to needles, this adds up to a whole lotta shots.

And to think, I still dream of face fillers. Well, I need that like a shot in the head! Oh, wait, I get those already!