Handsome Hubby and I are coming to a parting of the ways. Sad, but true. After 33 years (and three years of dating), HH wanted a change and a change he’s made. I pleaded and I begged but to no avail. There’s no turning back.
After 33 years (and three years of dating), HH decided to part his hair on the opposite side of his head. No more a lefty, he’s become a righty.
It’s not a political statement. Just a style statement.
You might say, “So what? What’s the big deal?”
You might say, “Who cares?”
Or you might even proclaim, “It’s his head. Why are YOU working up such a head of steam about a matter of HIS personal choice?”
It’s a fair question. It is, of course, HH’s head and his choice.
A Parting of the Ways
The problem? After three months, I simply cannot get accustomed to the change in HH’s appearance. For some reason, it is disorienting. It is so disorienting that when I look at my handsome man, my eyes hurt. I get a headache. I am not kidding. This is 100% the truth.
Babies cry and cannot recognize their fathers when beards are shaved off. A girlfriend related how her toddler became hysterical when she (the mother) came home from the beauty parlor with her waist-long locks shorn to shoulder-length, but still …
Why can I not adjust to HH’s right-parted pate?
I tried querying a couple of psychologists and neurologists at the University of California, Berkeley and Stanford University, but they were too busy to bother talking to a middle-aged muddler.
I finally connected with a real expert in the field, my hairdresser. Laura could not address the causality of my inability to adapt to HH’s hairstyle switcheroo. However, she did offer genuine sympathy and provide a strategy to get my man to re-part his hair the “right” way — i.e. on the left side of his head.
“Nag, nag, nag,” Laura advised as she applied hair dye to my gray, gray, gray roots. “It’s what I’m forced to do at least once a year when my husband decides he’s done shaving and starts growing a beard.”
“Believe me,” she added with all the empathetic power that barbers, bartenders, and cosmetologists possess, “When Bob goes full-on beard, I stand my ground and refuse to kiss or cuddle.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not above nagging (or sending a spouse to the couch from time to time). Nagging is a sound marital (and parenting) strategy, but I wanted to have a few more tools in my hirsute campaign before launching it. So, I continued my academic research, and after spending an inordinate amount of time on the Internet, I hit hair pay dirt!
I figured while HH isn’t the vainest of guys around, surely, he’d have some skin in the game when it comes to his masculinity. So, I clicked on this article with the enthusiasm and vigor teen-age boys display when discovering a new free porn site!
According to “Hair Part Theory,” the left hemisphere of the brain is associated with masculine activities, and therefore men who part their hair from left to right are somehow seen as more masculine.
Conversely, according to this “theory,” men who comb right to left are allegedly viewed as “weak and feminine.”
Partisan Parting of the Ways
This “theory” apparently caught the attention of some folks in the 2000 Gore-Bush Campaign, and they tried to get Al Gore to part his hair differently, according to the article.
Gore didn’t and continued parting his hair right to left. George W., meanwhile, parted his hair the “manly” left-to-right way.
The rest is history. (Although it should be noted, actual historians don’t put much faith in this hairy theory.)
Back at Home
And as far as my personal expert, hairdresser Laura is concerned, the determination about where to part hair comes down to personal choice and hair growth patterns.
As for HH, he says that’s what it’s really about for him. As he’s gotten older, his hair growth pattern has changed, and he thinks his new direction looks better.
And me? Well, I’m completely done in. Between looking up at “wrong-parted” HH and looking down at my computer, researching the subject of hair, subjective perception, and aging, I don’t know which way I’m going and which side is right and which side is left anymore!
Moses could part the Red Sea, but I can’t get HH to change the part in his hair. What’s a blurry-eyed middle-aged muddler to do?
I guess since I’m not divorcing the guy over his hairstyle, I’ll just stop looking him in the eye. That, at least, will make it easier to lie about who ate the last cookie the next time that debate arises (and it does at least once a week)