Gifts I Don’t Want

Thanks, But No Thanks

a set of unicorn snot lip gloss
From a lip gloss labeled “Unicorn Snot” to other assorted weird what-nots, holiday gift lists are dropping like hotcakes. In response, I’ve prepared a list of eight items I definitely don’t want … and I’m pretty sure you won’t either. Take a peak and see.

Gifts I Don’t Want

No. 1: Scalp Massager Brush

Advertisers say “It’s relaxing.”

I say “It’s cheap and that you you think I have dandruff!” Anyway, I don’t want one. Don’t buy it.

No. 2: A Headspace Subscription

They say it’s a relaxing, subscription wellness app that provides access to meditations, workouts and mindfulness activities.

I say you’re tell me I’m anxious and over-tired which in turn makes me feel anxious and stressed out!

No.3: Unicorn Snot Lip Gloss

They say it’s cute and to ignore the silly name.

I say how could I possibly ignore that disgusting name? If you want to buy me make-up, buy me Chanel. Buy me Dior.

No. 4: Coatigans, Shackets, Schmakets!

If you want to buy me a coat, fine. If you want to buy me a cardigan, also fine. Ditto a jacket. Just don’t buy me one of these weird hybrid garments. It’s like buying a burro when you know your loved one wants a horse or a pony! Oh, the heartbreak. Oh, the letdown!

Also, don’t buy me a “ruana” which is a combination sweater and a blanket, which is a shawl by another name. I saw a cashmere one advertised from Nordstrom’s. It’s pricy but it’s still a shawl. I’m not your grandmother, so don’t buy it for me, OK?

No. 5: A Karaoke Machine

I won’t sing. Don’t ask me! You’ll be glad you didn’t. Trust me.

No. 6: A Life-size Harry Styles Cut-out

What am I 12-years-old? ‘Nuff said!

No. 7: Glitter Hearts Toilet Bombs

These “delights” are available in Butterfly Gardens (cashmere and ginger lily) or Woodland Walk (oak and black currant)! So says the ad. Be still my pounding allergies!

I have two questions:

  • Do you want “two essential oil scent blends” exploding in your toilet?
  • Do you want to clean up glitter from a toilet bowl?

I thought not. Me neither. So, I promise I won’t buy these for you and you won’t buy them for me. Deal?

FYI: This is probably the leader of the pack in the entire list of gifts I don’t want! Achoo and yuck!

No. 8: I’m Dead, Now What?

This, my dear middle-aged muddlers, is the  title of a step-by-step planner designed to help people get organized for the Great Beyond AND it’s being touted as an “Oprah Favorite.” I think I’d rather receive the exploding glitter toilet bombs than get gifted this tome! Is this a loved one’s not so subtle way of saying “drop dead?”

(Oprah also lists a lux shower cap as a “favorite.” Really, Oprah? A shower cap as a gift? I think the old gal has lost her stride. Me? I’m a simple girl. I just keep a stash of hotel shower caps on hand. No gifting required!

Gifts I Don’t Want Conclusion

Now, if thoughts of holiday gift shopping make you feel desperate, here’s the link to purchase that I’m Dead, Now What? book.

And remember, if it’s after Halloween, it must be Christmas. Ho, ho, ho and oy vey!

🎁 🎁 🎁

If this list gave you a chuckle, please share it with your friends and family. And if they like it, they can subscribe here.

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