The HOA Strikes Again
A Newspaper Delivery Bag is NOT a Doggie Doo-Doo Bag
We’re in HOA hot water again! As you may recall, we have incurred the wrath of our neighborhood Homeowners’ Association three times. First, the HOA rejected our bid to erect a neighborhood Little Library because people “don’t read.” Then, there was the foul Battle of the Port-a-Potty and, most recently, a multi-month flare-up over our solar panel installation. Well, they’re backkkkk! Yes, indeed, the HOA strikes again.
Our latest alleged “crime” — as duly stated in a formal four-paragraph complaint letter with much boldfaced lettering for dramatic emphasis and a blurry “evidentiary” photo — details a purported doggy doo-doo incident on our property!
Say it ain’t so! For the record: It ain’t.
The HOA Strikes (Out) Again
The complaint alleges:
“During a routine community inspection conducted on January 2, 2026, it has come to the attention of the Association that debris is need of removal from your property. Please take meassures to remove the following Blue Doggiebags in driveway and any other miscellaneous items in public view.“
Now, before I get to the facts of the “case” — i.e., my refutation of this hilarious allegation, I must, in the guise of the Grammar Police, turn my attention to the five (!) grammatical and spelling errors in that one teeny tiny paragraph:
- “debris is need” – That phrase needs the word “in” to flow correctly
- “Blue” should not be capitalized
- “Doggiebaggies” – a double whammy here, should not be capitalized, and two words
- “In driveway”- needs to be connected with an article, “in the driveway”
- “Meassures” – spelling, please! Correct spelling – Measures.
Come on, HOA staffers. If you’re going to act as neighborhood taskmasters and cast (false) stones, please use some sort of spell checker. Please invest in Grammarly!
HOA Fulsome Follies
Anyway, back to the doggie doo-doo “crime” which apparently rivals the trash-tossing caper memorialized in Arlo Guthrie’s “Alice’s Restaurant.”
The HOA complaint also addresses sanitation and odor concerns caused by our deliberate doggie doo-doo dumping, citing multiple association articles and sections … in bold-faced type, of course!
The letter, which arrived in mid-February, advised us to take the necessary steps to correct the violation to prevent further action by the association. I guess there was concern that we would have left a bag of feces on our driveway for more than a month since the fuzzy photo was taken on January 2nd!
Enclosed was a lengthy Response Form to assist the “resolution process.”
Your Honor, Me and My Non-Existent Doggie Didn’t Do It!
Now, as to the “charges:”
- We don’t have a dog.
- We didn’t even have a doggie guest on the date the alleged doo-doo bag was abandoned on our driveway.
- More importantly, there was no doggie doo-doo bag left on our driveway on that date … or any other date.
- What the photo showed — drum roll, please — was the decidedly non-odiferous, rectangular wrapper of our New York Times, which is delivered six days per week and has been delivered since we moved here about three years ago!
Now, I’m no HOA expert, but generally speaking, I am unaware of association regulations that prohibit the delivery of newspapers to us rare birds who 1. Read, 2. Read newspapers and 3. Have them delivered. Nor am I aware of any prohibitions regarding the time we move our sleepy butts out the door to pick up said non-odiferous, blue rectangular wrapped newspapers.
Doggone It!
Now, the HOA may think the content and editorial stance of The NYT stinks, but again, I am not aware of any formal anti-HOA NYT policies. Therefore, I believe I am within my rights to receive and read the paper.
The HOA may wish that the newspaper changes its wrapper color so that the neighborhood snoop patrol is not so easily confused, but that is a matter I do not control. Perhaps the HOA should send one of its mighty missives directly to The Times and see how that goes. Maybe the HOA could suggest wrapper colors like Red State red or Barbie pink
As for that HOA response form, with the permission of my attorney, aka Handsome Hubby, I crossed out the multiple lines of the form and wrote something like this:
I’m presuming this is a joke. You do understand that the item in question is a newspaper delivery bag,* not a doggie bag, yes? Also, why would any homeowner leave a dog bag on their own property?
* Sample enclosed
Oh, HOA. Oh, HOA.
My handsome Hubby has been passing our NYT blue bags to our next door neighbor for their doggie refuse. It has created problems. The three condo units across the court yard all have dogs. He feels playing favoritism.
For a few weeks last year, the NYT turned to clear plastic bags. The children who walked the two dogs found it distasteful to see the doggie doodoo.
Blue in this case is preferable to transparency.
The commercial bags are a telltale green and black. Fortunately the NYT reverted to their traditional blue bags
Handsome Hubby interviewed a manufacturer of doggie bags, about 15 years ago at 30,000 ft, between Los Angeles and Omaha. We no longer own a dog but appreciate other people’s leashed dogs.
So funny/so interesting. The doggie/Times tale continues. Thank you for sharing.
Oliver really enjoyed your piece. HOA’s can be difficult.
Be well
Karen P.