My Days as a Swimsuit Model are Over!

Pick your title. Both are true. My days as a swimsuit model are over, and yes, I willingly had my throat cut.

What in blazes am I talking about? I’ll get to the point.

On December 8th, I underwent a two-hour procedure to have the Inspire sleep apnea surgical device implanted.

The device keeps airways open by gently stimulating the tongue muscle during sleep, preventing it from blocking the airway. Operated via a remote control, there are no hoses or masks, unlike with a CPAP machine, which many people, including me, cannot tolerate.

My Days as a Swimsuit Model are Over

Now, long-time readers of this blog may recall I investigated this Inspire device a few years back with a rather cold, callous doctor who made it all sound like a frog sticking its tongue out to catch flies. It sounded so ridiculous, so uninspiring that I issued a hasty, “Thanks, but no, thanks” as I hopped out of the examination chair and fled the office.

This time around, it was a different story. I saw a different, kinder doctor who stressed a high success rate and assured me that I would not resemble Kermit the Frog, but instead would sleep soundly and peacefully like Sleeping Beauty (minus the thorn-shrouded castle).

The doctor’s words were persuasive, and since I’m so exhausted that I fall asleep each day at my desk, I felt compelled to try the device even if it meant getting my throat cut!

So, under the scalp I went.

What I failed to consider was how unattractive incisions are!

My Look is Not Inspiring

Now, as I heal, I’ve got significant swelling on my neck, and irony of ironies, I do look like a frog, a bullfrog to be specific! Not only do I look like I’ve got a goiter, but there’s a scar on my chest which is decidedly not cute! Hence, the reference to the end of my non-existent swimsuit modeling career.

And in terms of how successful the actual device is. Well, I won’t know for a couple of weeks. The swelling must subside before the doctor can activate the device.

Here’s Hopping, I Mean, Hoping!

I’ll keep you posted. I know many of my sleepless, snoring friends (and their equally sleepless, frustrated spouses) are interested. In fact, several spouses have volunteered to cut their mates’ throats gratis … but I’m advising against that as a matter of medicine and law!

Yours in vanity and hopefully, future Slumberland.

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And because I just cannot resist, here’s one final bit of froggy silliness …